I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard