Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???