Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!