To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
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I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.