Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
You Might Also Like
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.