My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
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Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Mood.. 😂
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy