I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I only treason on days ending in y
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security