I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
You Might Also Like
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.