I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
😬
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
are they though??
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
This raises questions
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.