Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
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UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.