ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
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“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs