At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
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Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy