The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Breaking news:
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!