I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
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I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Education is vital
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!