I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
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*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Erm I’m gonna say no
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.