[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
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To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
This a good idea
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!