lot going on here, legally speaking.
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“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Don’t snitch tag.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no