start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
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Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”