The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?