absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
jesus christ confetti not now
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
normalize having existential bread
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.