If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
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I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
The sacred texts.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.