Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.