I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
You Might Also Like
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I mean…but I did
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.