ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.