Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
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hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?