Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
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If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.