Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
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“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I’m not average. I’m mean.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Fidel Castro was alive?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.