Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
So we got a goldfish…
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.