I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
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For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
2 years later
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died