20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
You Might Also Like
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.