People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
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I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog