Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
You Might Also Like
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
This probably isn’t good
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.