Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
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I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
So creative 😂
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.