click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
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I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
How to make infinite energy.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks