*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I found your tweet-up…
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp