If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
i’m still crying at this
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
a god among men
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.