Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
You Might Also Like
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.