IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
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[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Favourite diary entry ever
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.