My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Put this video in the Louvre
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
doing some research
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children