discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple