[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
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CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite