fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.