Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.