person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
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The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I hope it’s French Onion!
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.