people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
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Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
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looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
inventing words: clothing