*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
broke down and did it
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.