Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
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cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober