Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
You Might Also Like
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Is your wife single?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?