itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant