I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
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Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Lassie, get help!
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.